Now THAT’S Retirement!
Funny Church Bulletin Bloopers
I wish I could give credit to whoever compiled this list, but according to my friend Gilbert, they are all real bloopers from English church bulletins:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Popularity: 12% [?]
Historical Roots Of Common Expressions
From the “Who Knew?” department, here’s a list of common expressions and where they came from:
Q: Why do men’s clothes have buttons on the right while women’s clothes have buttons on the left?
A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid’s right! And that’s where women’s buttons have remained since.
Q: Why do ships and aircraft use ‘mayday’ as their call for help?A: This comes from the French word m’aidez -meaning ‘help me’ — and is pronounced, approximately, ‘mayday.’ Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called ‘love’?
A: In France , where tennis became popular, round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called ‘l’oeuf,’ which is French for ‘egg.’ When tennis was introduced in the US , Americans (mis)pronounced it ‘love.’
Q. Why do X’s at the end of a letter signify kisses?
A: In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.
Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called ‘passing the buck’?
A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing, he would ‘pass buck’ to the next player.
Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?
A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would only touch or clink the host’s glass with his own.
Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be ‘in the limelight’?
A: Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and stage lighting by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre, performers on stage ‘in the limelight’ were seen by the audience to be the center of attention.
Q: Why is someone who is feeling great ‘on cloud nine’?
A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.
Q: In golf, where did the term ‘Caddie’ come from?A. When Mary Queen of Scots, went to France as a young girl,Louis, King of France learned that she loved the Scot game ‘golf.’ So he had the first course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced ’ca-day’ and the Scots changed it into ‘caddie.
Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?
A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange clay called ‘pygg’. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as ‘pygg banks.’ When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a bank that resembled a pig. And it caught on.
Q: Did you ever wonder why dimes, quarters and half dollars have notches, while pennies and nickels do not?A: The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing gold and silver to discourage holders from shaving off small quantities of the precious metals. Dimes, quarters and half dollars are notched because they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels aren’t notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough to shave.
Popularity: 4% [?]
Interesting Photo From House Of Congress
A picture is worth a thousand words, right? Well, remember how the house never was able to get a budget out in 2010, for 2011, leading to all those extended budget debates and threats of government shut downs? Well, this image sheds some light.
House Minority Leader Lawrence F. Cafero Jr., R-Norwalk, pictured standing, far right, speaks while colleagues Rep. Barbara Lambert, D-Milford and Rep. Jack F. Hennessy, D-Bridgeport, play solitaire Monday night as the House convened to vote on a new budget.(AP)
The guy sitting in front of these two is on Facebook, and the guy behind Hennessy is checking out ESPN.
These are the people who so desperately want to control your healthcare! What a great idea! I am SO confident they can do it better than the system we have now 
This is one of their 3-DAY WORK WEEKS that we all pay for (salary is about $179,000 per year).
Popularity: 2% [?]
Taiwanese Motorcycle Gang: Average Age 81
Rick Astley Song Quoted In Legislature
Remember Rick Astley, the 80′s pop singer who sounded like a big black guy but looked like a panzy? Well, the Oregon State Legislature (a bi-partisan mix of democrats and republicans) worked his entire lyrics into their speeches on April Fools Day:
Popularity: 3% [?]
The Power Of The Written Word
One of the amazing things you learn in internet marketing is the amazing difference a single word or sentence can make in conversion. For example, changing one word in a Pay Per Click recently raised the CTR (click through rate) by 80%!
Here’s a fantastic example of how a small change can make a big difference:
Popularity: 2% [?]
Government Trying Desperately To Control The Internet
I love how the government tries to hide it’s power grabs with happy little names for it’s programs like “Net Neutrality,” the program that sounds harmless but is designed to give them control over the internet.
Nobody, not the people, the courts, or big business want the government sticking their meddlesome, inefficient, “tax and spend” nose in the internet; the coolest, freest, bestest communication method ever.
Of course, the pompous bigwigs running the country so effectively (haven’t they done a GREAT job with bailouts, Fanny Mae, Freddy Mac, Social Security, and health care are convinced they would to a great job running the internet too- and taxing it somehow. Here’s a great piece on it by Heritage.org:
Following his party’s devastating losses last November, President Barack Obama made clear that where his party could no longer legislate, it will regulate. Just a month later, America saw his words become action when the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) voted to issue new rules regulating the Internet, even though courts and Congress have stood in opposition to its actions. Tomorrow, the House of Representatives is poised to voice its opposition to the FCC’s unmitigated power grab and will vote on a resolution to block the FCC’s rules, sending a powerful message that enough regulation is enough, and the FCC should keep its hands off the Internet.
The policy the FCC is trying to enact is known as “net neutrality,” an unfortunately vague code word for government regulation of the Internet. Supporters of net neutrality will tell you the regulation is necessary to keep the Internet “free and open” and to prevent corporations from “throttling” network speeds, making it faster to download some things, slower to download others. And, in this doomsday, apocalyptic, dystopian future, only the FCC can save the day with more and more government regulations.
FCC, stay home, the reality is much different. FCC commissioner Robert McDowell, who opposes the net neutrality policy, explains that the policy isn’t needed, and regulation by the FCC can lead to even greater problems, such as rival Internet providers attacking each other in hopes of getting them regulated:
Everybody wants an open Internet that enhances freedom, but that’s what we have today. We already have enough consumer protection laws on the books to cure many of the hypothesized fears (that some see). The goal should be to make the market more competitive.
All we are going to do with this FCC decision is clog up the courts and increase billable hours for lawyers; litigation will supplant innovation.
So how does that affect consumers? The Heritage Foundation’s James Gattuso explains:
The net result [of net neutrality]— a slower and more congested Internet, and more frustration for users. Even worse, investment in expanding the Internet will be chilled, as FCC control of network management makes investment less inviting. The amounts at stake aren’t trivial, with tens of billions invested each year in Internet expansion.
Case in point: MetroPCS, a wireless company that offers low-cost, prepaid cellular plans for consumers who don’t want a long-term contract. The company offers a $40 per month plan for customers on its slower 2G wireless network and, to sweeten the deal, provides compressed versions of YouTube videos to its customers who otherwise couldn’t receive streamed videos with their service. Thanks to the FCC’s rules, MetroPCS is now facing a complaint for violating net neutrality. Its crime? Devising a low-cost way to provide fast, efficient wireless services to its customers. So much for innovation in the marketplace.
The need for regulation of the Internet aside, the FCC doesn’t even have the legal authority to enact these regulations. Like any federal agency, the FCC can only issue regulations if Congress delegates it the power to do so. Though the FCC has the power to regulate telecommunications, it hasn’t been granted the power to regulate the Internet. Last year, the U.S. Court of Appeals ruled that the FCC’s attempt to regulate the Internet was outside the scope of its authority. That didn’t stop the FCC, though. It went ahead and issued new regulations anyhow.
That regulatory overreach is unfortunately all too common in the Obama administration. From the FTC to the FCC, the EPA to HHS, an alphabet soup of agencies are issuing a spiderweb of regulations touching all corners of American life. The food we eat, the cars we drive, and now the Internet we surf are all subject to regulations by unelected bureaucrats.
The Internet is one of the Obama administrative state’s next targets. Congress, thankfully, has taken note – this time. But Americans must take note, too, and heed their president’s promise. What he can’t do by law, he will do by regulation. And once enacted under the cover of night, such regulations are not easy to untangle.
Popularity: 3% [?]
Top 4 Jimmer Videos
So the Cougar season comes to an end in the Sweet 16. They gave it a good run, but alas, Jimmer-time is over. But they had a great ride, and just for fun, here’s the top 4 Jimmer Youtube videos:
Teach Me How To Jimmer (OFFICIAL VIDEO)
You’ve been Jimmered music video
Jimmer’s Celebrity Tour with Original Song
Peanut Butter Jimmer Time
Popularity: 2% [?]
Flying To Japan On Quake Day
This is a true account of a rookie 767 captain flying to Japan. The earthquake happened while he was en route:
I’m currently still in one piece, writing from my room in the Narita crew hotel.
It’s 8am. This is my inaugural trans-pacific trip as a brand new, recently
checked out, international 767 Captain and it has been interesting, to say the
least, so far. I’ve crossed the Atlantic three times so far so the ocean
crossing procedures were familiar.
By the way, stunning scenery flying over the Aleutian Islands. Everything was
going fine until 100 miles out from Tokyo and in the descent for arrival. The
first indication of any trouble was that Japan air traffic control started
putting everyone into holding patterns. At first we thought it was usual
congestion on arrival. Then we got a company data link message advising about
the earthquake, followed by another stating Narita airport was temporarily
closed for inspection and expected to open shortly (the company is always so
positive).
From our perspective things were obviously looking a little different. The
Japanese controller’s anxiety level seemed quite high and he said expect
“indefinite” holding time. No one would commit to a time frame on that so I got
my copilot and relief pilot busy looking at divert stations and our fuel
situation, which, after an ocean crossing is typically low.
It wasn’t long, maybe ten minutes, before the first pilots started requesting
diversions to other airports. Air Canada, American, United, etc. all reporting
minimal fuel situations. I still had enough fuel for 1.5 to 2.0 hours of
holding. Needless to say, the diverts started complicating the situation.
Japan air traffic control then announced Narita was closed indefinitely due to
damage. Planes immediately started requesting arrivals into Haneada, near Tokyo,
a half dozen JAL and western planes got clearance in that direction but then ATC
announced Haenada had just closed. Uh oh! Now instead of just holding, we all
had to start looking at more distant alternatives like Osaka, or Nagoya.
One bad thing about a large airliner is that you can’t just be-pop into any
little airport. We generally need lots of runway. With more planes piling in
from both east and west, all needing a place to land and several now fuel
critical ATC was getting over-whelmed. In the scramble, and without waiting for
my fuel to get critical, I got my flight a clearance to head for Nagoya, fuel
situation still okay. So far so good. A few minutes into heading that way, I was
“ordered” by ATC to reverse course. Nagoya was saturated with traffic and unable
to handle more planes (read- airport full). Ditto for Osaka.
With that statement, my situation went instantly from fuel okay, to fuel minimal
considering we might have to divert a much farther distance. Multiply my
situation by a dozen other aircraft all in the same boat, all making demands
requests and threats to ATC for clearances somewhere. Air Canada and then
someone else went to “emergency” fuel situation. Planes started to heading for
air force bases. The nearest to Tokyo was Yokoda AFB. I threw my hat in the ring
for that initially. The answer – Yokoda closed! no more space.
By now it was a three ring circus in the cockpit, my copilot on the radios, me
flying and making decisions and the relief copilot buried in the air charts
trying to figure out where to go that was within range while data link messages
were flying back and forth between us and company dispatch in Atlanta. I picked
Misawa AFB at the north end of Honshu island. We could get there with minimal
fuel remaining. ATC was happy to get rid of us so we cleared out of the
maelstrom of the Tokyo region. We heard ATC try to send planes toward Sendai, a
small regional airport on the coast which was later the one I think that got
flooded by a tsunami.
Atlanta dispatch then sent us a message asking if we could continue to Chitose
airport on the Island of Hokkaido, north of Honshu. Other Delta planes were
heading that way. More scrambling in the cockpit – check weather, check charts,
check fuel, okay. We could still make it and not be going into a fuel critical
situation … if we had no other fuel delays. As we approached Misawa we got
clearance to continue to Chitose. Critical decision thought process. Let’s see -
trying to help company – plane overflies perfectly good divert airport for one
farther away…wonder how that will look in the safety report, if anything goes
wrong.
Suddenly ATC comes up and gives us a vector to a fix well short of Chitose and
tells us to standby for holding instructions. Nightmare realized. Situation
rapidly deteriorating. After initially holding near Tokyo, starting a divert to
Nagoya, reversing course back to Tokyo then to re-diverting north toward Misawa,
all that happy fuel reserve that I had was vaporizing fast. My subsequent
conversation, paraphrased of course…., went something like this:
“Sapparo Control – Delta XX requesting immediate clearance direct to Chitose,
minimum fuel, unable hold.”
“Negative Ghost-Rider, the Pattern is full” <<< top gun quote <<<
"Sapparo Control - make that - Delta XX declaring emergency, low fuel,
proceeding direct Chitose"
"Roger Delta XX, understood, you are cleared direct to Chitose, contact Chitose
approach....etc...."
Enough was enough, I had decided to preempt actually running critically low on
fuel while in another indefinite holding pattern, especially after bypassing
Misawa, and played my last ace...declaring an emergency. The problem with that
is now I have a bit of company paperwork to do but what the heck.
As it was - landed Chitose, safe, with at least 30 minutes of fuel remaining
before reaching a "true" fuel emergency situation. That's always a good feeling,
being safe. They taxied us off to some remote parking area where we shut down
and watched a half dozen or more other airplanes come streaming in. In the end,
Delta had two 747s, my 767 and another 767 and a 777 all on the ramp at Chitose.
We saw to American airlines planes, a United and two Air Canada as well. Not to
mention several extra Al Nippon and Japan Air Lines planes.
Post-script - 9 hours later, Japan air lines finally got around to getting a
boarding ladder to the plane where we were able to get off and clear customs. -
that however, is another interesting story.
By the way - while writing this - I have felt four additional tremors that shook
the hotel slightly - all in 45 minutes.
Cheers,
J.D.
Popularity: 5% [?]