Mitt Romney just can’t win. The “Mormon” question has now come full circle, and over the weekend evangelical leader John Stemberger said, “The issue is not that he is a Mormon. The issue is that he wasn’t Mormon enough. If he had been consistent with traditional Mormon values his whole career, that would make me feel a lot more comfortable about where he’s coming from.”

Wow, now he’s not “Mormon” enough. But this debate launched a bunch of Twitter jokes over the weekend, about just how Mormon Mitt Romney really is. Here’s a compilation:

Mitt is so Mormon…
he’s related to the other Mormon presidential candidate as well as half of his own campaign volunteers.

Mitt is so Mormon…
he’d call 19-year-old boys to serve as US ambassadors.

Mitt is so Mormon…
his Israel policy will be centered on Jackson County, Missouri.

Mitt is so Mormon…
he’ll make the income tax a flat 10% and collect fast offerings to fund Medicaid.

Mitt is so Mormon…
he’ll ask the Senate to “sustain” his appointees by manifesting with an uplifted hand.

Mitt is so Mormon…
he doesn’t do regular Pilates, he does golden Pilates.

Mitt is so Mormon…
that his campaign “oppo” team has done all the other candidates’ genealogy.

Mitt is so Mormon…
he’s organizing his precinct walkers in pairs to knock on doors saying they have a very special message.

Mitt is so Mormon…
he’d make the Book of Mormon required reading at the Bureau of Indian Affairs.

Mitt is so Mormon…
that if elected, the “First Lady” will be known as the “First Wife.”

Mitt is so Mormon…
he’ll choke up during his inaugural address and then say, “I told myself I wasn’t going to cry.”

Mitt is so Mormon…
he will commission a presidential motorcade entirely of 10-passenger family vans.

Mitt is so Mormon…
he will actually hang the Constitution up by a thread, just so he can save it.

Mitt is so Mormon…
he’s concerned about alignment with the Tea Party because of Doctrine & Covenants 89.

Mitt is so Mormon…
he’ll start the State of the Union with the words: “I wasn’t going to run for this office, but the Spirit just carried me off of the bench.”

Mitt is so Mormon…
his campaign biography begins, “I, Willard, having been born of goodly parents.”

Mitt is so Mormon…
he’ll ask members of Congress to go home and pray about his economic plan.

Mitt is so Mormon…
he’d ask the Elders Quorum to help move him into the White House.

Mitt is so Mormon…
his first act will be to make July 24th a national holiday.

Mitt is so Mormon…
he asks donors to stack chairs after fundraising dinners.

Mitt is so Mormon…
he’ll award Ty Detmer, Steve Young, and Jimmer Fredette the Congressional Medal of Honor.

Mitt is so Mormon…
his campaign slogan is “What do you know about Mitt Romney? Would you like to know more?”

Mitt is so Mormon…
he’ll reroute the Freedom Trail through Palmyra, New York; Nauvoo, Illinois; and Winter Quarters, Iowa.

Mitt is so Mormon…
he’ll rename the “Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms” the “Word of Wisdom Squad”.

Mitt is so Mormon…
he’d do an ad for mormon.org stating: “I’m a husband, father, and leader of the free world. And I’m a Mormon.”

Mitt is so Mormon…
he isn’t as concerned about getting American youth jobs as he is about getting them married.

Mitt is so Mormon…
that he refers to Congress as “The Great and Spacious Building.”

Mitt is so Mormon…
he’ll end every address with “hope you’ll all get home safely, without any harm or accident.”

Mitt is so Mormon…
he’ll assign a friend to every new member of Congress.

Mitt is so Mormon…
he’s already picked out a room in the White House for his year’s supply of wheat and beans, and he’ll require the White House Chef to rotate the food storage.

Mitt is so Mormon…
he doesn’t do campaigning. Its “fellowshipping.”

Mitt is so Mormon…
he’s having two basketball hoops installed for the Inaugural Ball so there’s a place to hang decorations.

Mitt is so Mormon…
he’ll change the name of “Cabinet Meeting” to “Correlation Meeting”.

Mitt is so Mormon…
if he gets elected all of the White House 9×13 pans would have a piece of masking tape on them with the name “Romney” written in Sharpie.

Mitt is so Mormon…
he has four cats named 1st Nephi, 2nd Nephi, 3rd Nephi, and 4th Nephi (4th Nephi is the smallest).

Mitt is so Mormon…
late last night he snuck out to put 5000 plastic forks in the lawn of Jon Huntsman. And after that, he heart attacked Rick Perry.

Mitt is so Mormon…
he’s going to rename the 101st Airborne as “The Stripling Warriors.”

Mitt is so Mormon…
he’ll rename FEMA the Federal Relief Society.

Mitt is so Mormon…
he’ll start his acceptance speech with “I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it.”

Mitt is so Mormon…
the Marine Band will play “Praise to the Man” when he enters a room.

Mitt is so Mormon…
he’ll appoint Lavell Edwards as Secretary of Defense.

Mitt is so Mormon…
he won’t allow advisers wearing non-white dress shirts to participate in cabinet meetings.

Mitt is so Mormon…
he’ll rename the weekly presidential address “Politics and the Spoken Word.”

Mitt is so Mormon…
his cabinet would consist entirely of unqualified, yet enthusiastic, volunteers.

Mitt is so Mormon…
he’d convene a Munch-N-Mingle after cabinet meetings, with refreshments blessed “to nourish and strengthen our bodies”.

Mitt is so Mormon…
he’d hang a copy of the Proclamation on the Family and a picture of the Washington, D.C. LDS temple in the White House.

Mitt is so Mormon…
he has volunteers combing through old GOP voter rolls for less actives he can reactivate.

Mitt is so Mormon…
he’d put everyone in his stake on the inauguration invite list. Just because.

Mitt is so Mormon…
he will add the phrases “every fiber of my being” and “beyond a shadow of a doubt” to the presidential oath of office.

Mitt is so Mormon…
the Inagural Dinner will be Ham, Funeral Potatoes, green Jell-o, and red Kool-aid.

Golf Magazine’s latest “Number One’s” issue includes this list of the top 8 worst golf course names:

1. Cape Schanck Resort Golf Course (Australia) Would make a great “how to speak Australian” commercial.

2. Barren View Golf Course (Jonesboro, Me.) Enough said.

3. Rat River Golf Course (Manitoba)

4. Useless Bay Golf and Country Club (Washington)

5. Bayonet at Puppy Creek (North Carolina) Now that’s funny!

6. Dead Horse Lake State Park Golf Course (Tennessee)

7. Murder Rock Golf & Country Club (Hollister, Mo.)

8. Cwmrhydneuadd Golf Club (Wales- of course!)

Check out how these seniors are living in Florida:

I wish I could give credit to whoever compiled this list, but according to my friend Gilbert, they are all real bloopers from English church bulletins:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus  Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a  chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

From the “Who Knew?” department, here’s a list of common expressions and where they came from:

Q: Why do men’s clothes have buttons on the right while women’s clothes have buttons on the left?

A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid’s right!  And that’s where women’s buttons have remained since.

Q: Why do ships and aircraft use ‘mayday’ as their call for help?A: This comes from the French word m’aidez -meaning ‘help me’ — and is pronounced, approximately, ‘mayday.’ Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called ‘love’?

A: In France , where tennis became popular, round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called ‘l’oeuf,’ which is French for ‘egg.’ When tennis was introduced in the US ,  Americans (mis)pronounced it ‘love.’

Q. Why do X’s at the end of a letter signify kisses?

A: In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.

Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called ‘passing the buck’?

A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing, he would ‘pass buck’ to the next player.

Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?

A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously.  When a guest trusted his host, he would only touch or clink the host’s glass with his own.

Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be ‘in the limelight’?

A: Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and stage lighting by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre, performers on stage ‘in the limelight’ were seen by the audience to be the center of attention.

Q: Why is someone who is feeling great ‘on cloud nine’?

A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.

Q: In golf, where did the term ‘Caddie’ come from?A. When Mary Queen of Scots, went to France as a young girl,Louis, King of France  learned that she loved the Scot game ‘golf.’ So he had the first course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned  (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced  ’ca-day’ and the Scots changed it into ‘caddie.

Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?

A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange clay called ‘pygg’. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as ‘pygg banks.’ When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a bank that resembled a pig. And it caught on.

Q: Did you ever wonder why dimes, quarters and half dollars have notches, while pennies and nickels do not?A: The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing gold and silver to discourage holders from shaving off small quantities of the precious metals. Dimes, quarters and half dollars are notched because they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels aren’t notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough to shave.

Gotta love it!

Remember Rick Astley, the 80′s pop singer who sounded like a big black guy but looked like a panzy? Well, the Oregon State Legislature (a bi-partisan mix of democrats and republicans) worked his entire lyrics into their speeches on April Fools Day:

One of the amazing things you learn in internet marketing is the amazing difference a single word or sentence can make in conversion. For example, changing one word in a Pay Per Click recently raised the CTR (click through rate) by 80%!

Here’s a fantastic example of how a small change can make a big difference:

So the Cougar season comes to an end in the Sweet 16. They gave it a good run, but alas, Jimmer-time is over. But they had a great ride, and just for fun, here’s the top 4 Jimmer Youtube videos:

Teach Me How To Jimmer (OFFICIAL VIDEO)

You’ve been Jimmered music video

Jimmer’s Celebrity Tour with Original Song

Peanut Butter Jimmer Time

From the “I used to be able to jump” department. For those of us re-living our glory days, in wildly embellished detail, here’s a cool video of a kid who can really leap! 5’11″ and sporting a 50″ vertical!