Apple’s apology: What The PR Writer Is REALLY thinking…

Dear iPhone 4 Users,

The iPhone 4 has been the most successful product launch in Apple’s history. It has been judged by reviewers around the world to be the best smartphone ever, and users have told us that they love it. So we were surprised when we read reports of reception problems, and we immediately began investigating them. Here is what we have learned.

-”Holy Crap, I can’t believe I have to write this freaking letter.”

To start with, gripping almost any mobile phone in certain ways will reduce its reception by 1 or more bars. This is true of iPhone 4, iPhone 3GS, as well as many Droid, Nokia and RIM phones.

-”At least we don’t suck as bad as some of our competitors.”

But some users have reported that iPhone 4 can drop 4 or 5 bars when tightly held in a way which covers the black strip in the lower left corner of the metal band. This is a far bigger drop than normal, and as a result some have accused the iPhone 4 of having a faulty antenna design.

-”Right now, Steve Jobs is tearing the heads of small stuffed animals.”

At the same time, we continue to read articles and receive hundreds of emails from users saying that iPhone 4 reception is better than the iPhone 3GS. They are delighted. This matches our own experience and testing. What can explain all of this?

-”I wish the “hundreds of e-mails” of supporters matched the hundreds of thousands of complaints…”

We have discovered the cause of this dramatic drop in bars, and it is both simple and surprising.

-”Somebody’s head is going to roll. Probably a whole department.”

Upon investigation, we were stunned to find that the formula we use to calculate how many bars of signal strength to display is totally wrong. Our formula, in many instances, mistakenly displays 2 more bars than it should for a given signal strength. For example, we sometimes display 4 bars when we should be displaying as few as 2 bars. Users observing a drop of several bars when they grip their iPhone in a certain way are most likely in an area with very weak signal strength, but they don’t know it because we are erroneously displaying 4 or 5 bars. Their big drop in bars is because their high bars were never real in the first place.

-”Too honest? Dang it, probably.”

To fix this, we are adopting AT&T’s recently recommended formula for calculating how many bars to display for a given signal strength. The real signal strength remains the same, but the iPhone’s bars will report it far more accurately, providing users a much better indication of the reception they will get in a given area. We are also making bars 1, 2 and 3 a bit taller so they will be easier to see.

-”Ha Ha! Now, all the users who never realized there was a problem will suddenly see less bars! Won’t they be thrilled!”

We will issue a free software update within a few weeks that incorporates the corrected formula. Since this mistake has been present since the original iPhone, this software update will also be available for the iPhone 3GS and iPhone 3G.

-”Yes, world, this is not a new bug. Can you spell “class action lawsuit?”

We have gone back to our labs and retested everything, and the results are the same— the iPhone 4’s wireless performance is the best we have ever shipped. For the vast majority of users who have not been troubled by this issue, this software update will only make your bars more accurate. For those who have had concerns, we apologize for any anxiety we may have caused.

-”Blah, blah, blah. I wonder if Steve is going to read this.”

As a reminder, if you are not fully satisfied, you can return your undamaged iPhone to any Apple Retail Store or the online Apple Store within 30 days of purchase for a full refund.

-”Not likely! Good thing people use them more to play games than make phone calls!”

We hope you love the iPhone 4 as much as we do.

Thank you for your patience and support.

Apple

-”Wow! Glad that’s over.”

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